008 - BUMBLE BEE

BZZZZZ! I have buzzed back to the cute animal of the day blog and so should you.

Look at this bee! Apparently you should be headsed up as the common white tailed bumble bee is getting less and less common. Mainly due it being evolutions D student. The fact that these un-aerodynamic balls of pube can fly at all is leaving the boffins baffled. Two days ago I saw one lying on my garden lawn and picked it up. I could see it was only just alive so I decided to help him out. I used a match stick to feed it honey (bees are suposed to be into honey) It started to perk up so I gave it a bit more honey and then It rolled over into the honey I had laid next to it covering its fur and breathing apparatus in honey thus killing it by suffocation. FTW

MONEY I WOULD PAY TO HUG A BUMBLE BEE: £1

HUG-ABILITY RATING : 15%

POSSIBLE NAMES FOR A BUMBLE BEE: Buck Bumble, Buzz Killington, Beebop.

 

007 - PENGUIN

YO!!!! HO!!!! brrrrrrr ice man, ice man, cold cold cold cold ooohhhhh northern lights how pretty! ( irrelevant dill brain. penguins only live in the southern hemispere.) 

Today is the day of the outrageously cute baby penguin.... arrrrrrrrrgggghhhh they are sooooo cute. SHIT

like i'm sure you do I give a shit about global warming and that... I have a recyclable tote bag to carry my shopping in... I have more than one product made of hemp... I only ever buy fair trade bananas. but its not enough! this year I am going to gallantly not go abroad on a plane... not because I'm unemployed and cant afford it... no it's to save the lives of these cute little fuckers. 

Yeah I'm pretty much 3 or 4 times greener than you.

yeah penguins are cute man. don't try and farm me off with no puffins I want the real deal. 

anyone see that thing on bbc last april fold day with the flying penguins?

don't ever go to whipsnade zoo and lean over the fence and try and stroke a penguin. I did and it nearly had my bloody finger off. they are snappy little bastards.

JOKES.

gutted

STATS

MONEY I WOULD PAY TO HUG A PENGUIN: £30

HUG-ABILITY RATING : 5 %

POSSIBLE NAMES FOR A PENGUIN: PINGU, PINGA (not happy feet)

006 - LOGGERHEAD TURTLE

Alright all fucking right its day 6 and today i want you to visualise the a tropical sea... warm water and fish all around... briskly through the azure sea. "barp barp" its a loggerhead turtle. he is outrageously and he wants you to ride his back through the surf. remember the turtles in finding nemo. kinda like that. Well this is the first  non mammal of the blog and its an exciting deviation from the norm. well these shelly critters are suffering a bit at the moment from slag pricks in places like kavos and kos fucking up there spots for laying eggs. 

STATS

money i would pay to hug a loggerhead turtle: £150

hug-ability rating: 15%

Possible name for a loggerhead turtle: SQUIRTLE, TIMOTHY TURTLE, TRACY TURTLE-FACE.

roland out!

005 - MANATEE

OK so yeah woop de fucking woop another cute manatee. but check it! I come with facts. not only is this the cutest of all marine mammals but apparently when pissed horny fishermen used to look overboard and see these flubby fuckers paddling along they used to mistake them for mermaids and apparently this is where the whole mermaid thing originates from. Im not sure how much rum I would have to gobble down before I wanted to have sex with a grey woman weighing in at about 250 kgs and with that much subcutaneous fat. But this got me thinking. What's better to have sex with a woman with a fishes vagina and scales from the waste down or to shag a woman's legs with a giant fish head from waist up... please chip in with your opinion on this... something to mull over aye...

anyway enough of this chat...

I give you... day 5 

The Manatee

STATS

Money I would pay to hug a manatee: £90 after a lot of rum £100

Hug-ability rating: 80%

Possible names: Mildred the manatee, marvin the manatee, flubber bellyio!

lates.

004 - RED PANDA

yeah yeah yeah i know its late in the day. but i have been really busy today. too busy to be on top of my game with the cute animal of the day. I had to watch 3 episodes of green wing and play fran at two games of scrabble. I won the first game 275-198 and I lost the second game 250-210 only because my opponent was making up fucking words!

whatever trevor. So i was thinking man pandas are really cute. but then I was recommended this guy by edward (rich£££) hoskins... check it. 

THE RED PANDA>>>look at his face.

people in china or something are getting reasonably het up about the normal panda but i say what the heck check this guy out for a reasonable replacement. So I  give you todays cute animal. 

THE RED PANDA 

STATS

money i would pay to hug: £120

Hug-ability rating: 58%

Possible names for red panda: MING MING/ CHEEKY PAUL THE PANDA/ RED ROBBY THE RED PANDA.

003 - FOX

Im the sort of guy who has a lot of time for our foxy friends. When your walking home on the piss and you see one it can feel just like being in some nature documentary. Probably favourite my cute animal of the city. One thing must be said about foxes. They sound fucking butterz. I was lying in bed and i thought some small child had been abandoned in the alleyway behind my house. turns out foxes sound like screaming children. which is a rather off key sound to here at 4 in the morning when you don't have any children in your household. mental. regardless i give you cute animal of day 3 the fox.

 

STATS:

Money I would pay to hug a fox: £5

Hug-ability rating: 25%

Possible names for a fox: Reginald D Foxington, Mr ginger whiskers/Mrs Ginger whiskers.

One problem is that fucking horrible fox off the foxy bingo advert which actually made me want to bring back fox hunting. 

002: THE DAILY DOUCHE-BAG

DOUCHE-BAG OF THE DAY

Big man aye??? picking on what is effectively a water based animal on land. Pretty much the same as taking a goldfish out of a bowl and stamping on it... take a dip into the seals realm and it would take you all the way down to china town... 

I give you todays douchbag of the day: The Canadian Seal Clubber.

Intelligence: 0.03%

Forgivability:  0.0001%

General douchbag inbreeding rating:  8/10